why?

So I guess I have to write something, but even as I'm typing here, I'm not sure what. Every day since Monday when Phil died, I have thought about writing but haven't been able to. What do I write? What do I say? How do I put into words all that I am thinking, feeling, needing? Where do I begin? Peralisis takes captive my ability to communicate. And few words have made their way past my lips over the course of this week. And for those who may be reading this, but have no idea what I'm talking about, I refer you to Phil and Esther's blog eslip.blogspot.com to read about Phil and Esther's ministry and events leading up to his recent death.

Tonight was Phil's American funeral here in Chicago. There were tons of people there who I haven't seen in forever, including a handful of individuals I went to college with and are now serving in God's kingdom across the globe. It was good seeing them again.

I guess the biggest thing I'm wrestling with in all of this is in God's reasoning for letting Phil die. Phil, as a result of this world's brokenness, contracted a rapidly spreading bacterial infection. Righteous women and men throughout the earth prayed for his healing. And God chose to say no to their prayers and let him die. Why? God's Word says that such prayers are "powerful and effective" (James 5:16). Where was their effect on Monday?

On top of the frustration of unanswered prayers is Phil's unique situation. It has seemed that his entire life and especially recent years have lead directly to his ministry in Southeast Asia. Years of preperation went into his future work there. He and Esther and Anna arrived and barely got started. He finished language school and so soon after went to get certified to teach English, and the weekend he finishes his certification, he dies. For what? It all just seems so futile. So pointless. Was less than two years going through training more valuable than potential decades of ministry here in the States? Was that brief time worth Anna growing up without her Daddy? And Esther without the love of her life? And because I do believe God is in control over all of this, I come back to the purpose of it all... But I can't find one. I just don't understand.

And yet I do believe that such a purpose must exist. God is intentional. And he is in the midst of carrying out a great and global plan. I do believe that Phil's untimely and illogical death somehow (in large or in small) fits into that plan. It's my own feeble inability to make personal sense of it that is so excrusiating.

But I think tonight maybe I saw some of this purpose. At the funeral there was much talk of how Phil's life has motivated, impacted, spurred on the lives of others. Countless more than I ever realized. I knew Phil was loved, but what I found tonight goes far beyond what I ever imagined. Someone tonight (I forget who) quoted an Asian saying that for every soldier that goes down, a thousand more rise up. Normally I would relegate this as optimism at its best in the midst of a grieving community. But at tonight's gathering, I really saw light of this reality. I saw people being challenged by Phil's incredible commitment. I found people who were challenged to live more like Phil as he lived like the Lord Jesus.

I must admit in my weak human state that I really don't know how God will use this past week to impact his worldwide work. I pray that he will use it in astronomical ways that could not have been done apart from his passing. I pray that my life may be challenged in new ways as a result of it. And from all the processing it has forced me to do, I think this impact is evident. I do believe God is at work, and I believe there is real hope in the brokenness of this thing we call life. I believe that Phil stands as an example of what great things God can accomplish in this world. Even if those great things take paths unexpected along the way.

Phil will always be missed. But if there is one thing we can learn from his life, it is the reality of God's faithfulness. Even when we don't understand it.